I sometimes wish I had the ability to speak to y’all more often, for a month seems long, especially these days, but here I am. This time, I am not going to tackle any environmental issues or relate musicals to life’s situations, though I might slide in some words. Now what I’m going to say may sound indelicate – Hamilton’s lyrics, wassup? – but I must share this. You and I are going to dive deep into the thought process of someone in quarantine, for real.
We are Wednesday, April 29, 2020, as I am writing this piece of article. I woke up at 7:30 am to finish my last exam and went back to bed until 11:39 am – yes, I remember the exact hour – and since then I have not done one single productive thing, except showering to make myself believe that I am indeed alive enough to be somehow clean, and eating sorbet for dinner because sorbet is my new food group. YES, I ate crushed fruits, blended by me in a blender because to be quite honest with you all, homemade sorbet is the only thing that makes sense in my life right now. Some are happy with having money and spending it, others with having tons of friends on skype but as for myself, I love to enjoy a good, heartfelt homemade sorbet. It is my comfort food. And it is cold… a bit like how I feel these days, weeks, past few months of absolute c-r-a-p (if you’ll excuse my language)!
I mean, sure, last month I told you what to do if you were bored and I am hoping it helped some of you to be productive and find ways to be creative but I mean, who am I kidding? I have passed the point of being bored and I am not okay, and the truth is I do not know how to be okay again. Do you know what I have been doing for the last month? Sing, sorbet and sleep. That’s my secret formula to “I-am-having-a-bad-moment-and-I-do-not-know-how-to-handle-it-so-I-prefer-to-ignore-it-and-sleep-and-eat-sorbet-and-sing”.
Is it denial? It’s self-preservation at this point. *Insert here a loud and profound sigh* I woke up this morning and I did not want to write to you guys, at all, because I thought I would be so hypocrite to write something meaningful whilst I am struggling to find my own meaning and way to happiness. Luckily, members of the Bold House reminded me that the point of writing, especially blogging, is not to show off how cool you are or how un-vulnerable you get, but the point of blogging, especially for this blog, is to connect with people, to build a community, to reach out to those who are focused on refinement and being the best version of themself. We, the writers at B0LD, are here to connect with every single one of you.
Now that you know, I am, me, Seb, telling you I have not been okay this month, at all and I am ready to connect with people who feel the same. Let’s be miserable together but let’s be the best miserable we can possibly be. If the bed would have been in the ranks of royalty’s thrones, I would have been the queen of Sleeplandia – I want to believe that the place exists so I can go rule thereby showing off my sleeping skills, wassup? – I do not think it is bad, and nor do I care if a judgement is going to fall upon me for sleeping all month, for not caring about my studies, for dropping out of classes, for not understanding the situation we find ourselves in. We are quarantined. Trapped inside our houses. I thought I would have been happy, very, very happy. Because I do not particularly like going out. Yet, my heaven has turned into my prison and I want to get out – I want to run away. Since I can not run away or anywhere for that matter, it signifies I escape reality through sleep and fiction such as movies and books and sitcoms. Why? Because I would rather laugh and pretend that I am okay rather than face the fact that I am not. You know what they say, fake it until you make it. Here is what I am asking myself. Let us say that I admit that I am un-okay. Good for you Seb. What comes next though? What am I supposed to do? Runaway from my house? To go where? I am freaking confined just like the rest of the world… The thing about this situation is that I realise that I love being alone and being on my own in general, but I need different “alone places”. My house is not enough. I need to know that I can run away to a coffee shop, to a bookstore, to a friend’s house. I need to know that I can walk outside and smile at a stranger without him turning sidewalks or keeping his distance from FEAR. I am hurt when I go shopping for my mom at the groceries and unintentionally cross the path of someone and say sorry by smiling and I get looked down with a disdain look. I get sad when people forget how to be UNTENSED. This is not war. And pardon me but, imagine if it was…
I am not totally dark in my thoughts. I know this darkness exists inside me and for once, I decided to live with them. They allow me to think positively as counterintuitive as it sounds, they allow me to remember that I have things in my life that are not so bad. That I can sing whenever I want now because I do not have school or work or a schedule to follow. That I can eat sorbet, morning, noon and late-night. The darkness allows me to notice the light. It allows me to think that in two days, it is May 1st and for some wack reason, May 1st has always been a date I love a lot so Friday will be a good day. They allow me to take time for myself. My dark thoughts are my friends. They do not push me to think of vile things, they do not weigh on me. They are just there. And let me tell you this: It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to wake up one morning and eat a slice of pizza for breakfast because you feel like it. It is okay to not shower in two days because you are not motivated whatsoever to do it. It is okay to wake up at 8 am, breakfast, go to bed, wake up, eat lunch, nap, wake up, watch a movie, eat dinner and then go back to bed for the whole night. It is okay to be un-okay.
Just remember, amid it, that tomorrow will be better, that the sun always shines on darker days. That you are not alone, and you never will be alone. Remember that your heart can feel heavy but do not let it sink you. Remember to always look up when you feel like you are sinking and talk to someone when you do not feel okay.
Hi, my dear Munchkins, I am Seb and thank you for attending my SebTalk.
With all my love
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