Lately, I’ve been living in other worlds.
What I mean by this is that I’ve been hiding in fiction a lot. I’ve binge-watched Grey’s Anatomy, I’ve read more books in the last two months than in the past few years, probably. I’ve rediscovered this intense, immense love I always felt for fiction, especially written fiction. I’ve realized that in this time COVID-nightmare (I stole this expression from Chris Evans, thank you sir), fiction is very important to me mostly because these books have existed before this pandemic and that their stories exist in a world that is “normal”, the old normal. People are touching, hugging, eating together and it’s normal, nobody is afraid of being close to each other on the streets. This is important for me because it soothes me and calms me, and brings me back to what was good about before. I believe the way we lived before wasn’t good, we rushed through everything and were busy, depressed and ungrateful. Yet, I miss how we could be close by and not question it. How we never even thought about something so bizarre happening. Yet weirdly, people have never smiled and talked to strangers more on the street, even if it’s six feet apart.
It made me think of the things I miss, and this is what I want us to talk about today. Not because I want to make you sad by talking about the past and about things we cannot have, but to remind myself – and all you sweethearts, how much I love these things and to remind myself to be grateful for what I have and don’t appreciate enough. It’s also inspired by the articles Mari Andrews wrote for Forge. (https://forge.medium.com/things-i-miss/home )
Hear me out, I am not a people’s person, I am not the kind of girl to go to shows and enjoys being with a group of people necessarily, but there is something I miss about witnessing, living a show, a piece of art, with a public, live. Performing on a stage is one of the most vulnerable things an artist can do and I love being part of those who witness this openness. I miss going to plays, everything around the event. The excitement of buying the tickets, writing it down in my agenda, the excitement of waiting in the lobby, the moment you find your seat and get comfortable and look at the stage to find the first few clues of what it will look like, the lights closing, the actors on stage, the oddly specific sound of their footsteps on the stage, their voices, loud and strong, the smell of the theatre, and how it lingers on my hands, the standing ovation after, coming back in the bus and replaying the show in my head. Just writing that I feel like I am reliving it and it feels good, it makes me happy and nostalgic but in a good way. Being nostalgic about something means it was good.
I miss performing, being the one on stage, never learning my lines on time, doing theatre exercises with my teammates, laughing my face off, the feeling of getting the emotion right, the feeling of the director saying I’ve got it. I miss being vulnerable on stage and feeling like home, barefoot on the stage. I miss this home.
I miss going to the movies with my friends. Especially when we go see masterpieces and we talk endlessly about it and its construction afterwards. Boy, do I even miss just seeing the trailers in Youtube ads. In the same way, I miss knowing there will be new projects in the future, because these projects are delayed and I miss this excitement of seeing my favourite actors book a new role and knowledge in not too long, I will get to see it on the big screen.
I miss mindlessly touching people. Sitting too close to people in a crowded bus, brushing someone’s shoulder as I walk past them, touching someone’s arm to make them know I’m there, holding a baby, their soft and squishy bodies immediately wrapping around me. I never thought I’d miss holding a small human, but I do, so much. I miss hugging my best friend when I see her, I miss resting my head on my friend’s shoulder, I miss attacking them with hugs, I miss holding someone in my arms. I miss not having to think about if I’m too close to someone, I miss the times where I never even considered it.
I miss not being nervous when I go outside, even just for a walk. You all know by now how you need to think of your every movement to make sure you stay out of everyone’s way. It takes a lot your brain energy. I just miss not having to care about these details, as important as they are now.
I’m writing all this so future Aimée and future you, sweethearts, can come back to this and remind yourself to be grateful for what you take for granted, and because I think it’s important not to just rush forward. I think to move onward and to accept the fact that things will never be the same, you need to stop for a second and think. Be aware of what was your life before, what were your privileges. You need to think about what was good in your life, but also what was wrong. Were you rushing through everything? Overbooking your schedule? What were you running front? What wounds needed healing? What in the past was wrong and what was good? You also need to take a breath, stop moving around restlessly and breathe. Life is giving you the time to take a pause, use it wisely. Think about it before you start planning ahead. You need to know where you come from to know where you want to go.
I hope where you’re going is a good place, my sweethearts, for me, I know it’s a place full of love, fiction, cuddles and sweet cheek kisses. We will see the end of it and I hope we will come out stronger on the other end. Stay soft and sweet, my sweethearts. You can read all the other writer’s articles, they’re available on the website and you can follow our Facebook page or Instagram page to be notified when a new one comes out. We always love to get feedback from you all and know how you are doing.