I moved to the city, got a dog and painted every wall. I threw away everything that did not serve me and I refreshed my whole life. I emptied my pantry and only put healthy food in, I took an appointment to cut my hair and I wore heels to the grocery store. But the thoughts, those which inhabited me long before I moved, they remain there.
I am slightly obsessive, on good stuff (mostly), however, sometimes, it bites me back. Years ago I erased who I was taught to be so I could reinvent myself, today, I am learning again to create a version of me I love. I guess it is an ongoing process, you do not just become greater than life, you do not just attain perfection in your own sense of the definition and although I have been pretty close to perfect discipline for the past years, I had to learn the art of letting go of an old skin yet again.
I have never known how to give up or when to give in, I am a display of resilience when it comes to achieving, a no is only a yes to come, every fiber of my being was oriented towards doing better and I have been in that mindset for a very long time. It came with some stuck up habits and some amazing ones too. Waking up at 5AM and eating extra healthy, being organised with my time, it also came with determination and focus. However I also inherited a shyness when I am surrounded by people my age in social context, an over analyzing thinking style and mostly rigidity.
For someone as soft of character as I am, my rigidity is surprising, it comes in when things are messy, when duty calls and I know I can’t make the train go any faster or the waiter bring the receipt any earlier. My rigidity comes in when I have to speak about myself and be vulnerable, when I like someone but I am terrified, when I am sad or angry, but I never wanted to be rigid.
I wanted to be poetry, to be pretty, to be warm and to feel like home, I wanted to be liquid sunshine and flowers puffs, I wanted to be pink and yellow. But I am the ice queen. I hide behind a glass of pale skin and green eyes, a poised smile and manners. I am blue and a little grey, I hide behind pensive traits and enigmatic stares when surrounded by people whom I wish I could let them know me.
So here I am, sitting in the middle of my apartment, trying to let go, trying to crack open my heart to let others see it too. I have a very strong belief that two authentic versions of us exist, the one that we became over the years and the person we want to become, a better version of who we were yesterday. But the line between authentic and fake when it comes to becoming the best you is delicate, it requires a high level of honesty, of courage and of acceptance. Certain scars are part of who you are and you have to accept them whilst having the courage to improve what you can. Personalities are much like rocks, you can soften the rough edges but a rock will remain a rock, even after being turned into a diamond, it’s still a rock, nothing is lost, nothing is created, everything is transformed, and that’s only science.
Here are the things I learned.
Programming your brain
…is manifesting what will happen. It is all about making your intentions clear with yourself, early everyday and before anything you are about to do. When you start something, from cooking, to going out, to an important event, to an exam or meeting, just focus on how it will go, focus on the most positive possible outcome. Know what you want and stay grounded on that.
Remain in the present
It is so easy to get lost on what will happen later or what already has happened when you are living something extraordinary at this very moment. Stay Grounded in who you want to be and be present 100% in the moment and never miss out on life anymore. The expression to feel yourself is about self awareness. When you feel yourself drifting, take a deep breath and recenter, observe the world around you and eliminate the what ifs, just live it.
Of course life does not always go as planned, good news is, the community never fails, we always win or we learn. A lesson learned is a tool in your toolbox, and your tool box is never too full. Forgive yourself when things go sour and move on with a better understanding of the world.
Jackie Kennedy taught me this lesson. You are what you consume on the daily, not only food wise but the books you read and the music you listen to, how you decorate your life and how you nourish your thoughts. It is how you carry yourself, what you wear and what you do. Nurture your insides out.
I am sipping my latte, sitting on the floor in my pyjamas, my dog curled on my legs and the morning light beaming through my windows. I am just there knowing that conquering the whole world comes from conquering the present at every minute. And that is where I remain in peace,knowing that this side of me is the one worth showing a little more often, that is where I am pink and warm, where my heart is at home.
Have a great day,
And for what it’s worth
I believe in you,
Xx your boldest friend