Last year I wrote my most read articles ever on this blog at this exact date. On valentines day, I sat at the same spot in a coffee shop, my heart full of hope – hope for the love I was longing to give myself, for the love I was longing to give to someone else, hopeful for a future of dreamscapes painted on the walls of my heart. And as I sit back, I delectably enjoy myself in the peace that brings me both change and steadiness in my life.
I have always wondered if someday I would meet my forever, I am in no hurry, but I am still keeping a prayer for him every night, maybe I am what perhaps we call a “helpless romantic” but I would rather call myself a “hopeful romantic”. I believe in forever and in beautiful types of letters, craving the intimacy of whispers in crowded rooms and the gazes that say everything. I have let love change me, it has broken me, more than once, it has uplifted me, even more often, and in the midst of the swirls of a love that wouldn’t last a lifetime the way I hoped, I have to come to realize that not all forever are meant to remain, some sunrises turn into sunsets and that is okay. Not everyone can stay forever, but we must take pride in the fact the we have built a home, for more hearts than one, even so I find myself thinking, how could one be loved from every dusk to every dawn ?
When I thought of love, I thought of sturdy and steady, but the only true constant in life being change, I guess I needed to revise my theory. I started seeing love not as the result of two people feeling but as an energy, living through its tenants. Change in love, change with love, change alongside love, let it evolve on you and around you so you can see it flourish from inside of you. Let it change you, let it teach you, let it reveal to you the ways you have been wronged and the ways you will make it right, let it show you paths you did not foresee and let them take you places you never thought of, let it show you sides of yourself. Your love is a mirror, the mirror of the things you hold back, or the things you give fiercely, the things you inflexibly criticised in others as the simple reflection of what you were not able to do for yourself, the wrongs you give and the rights you bestow. And just like that, that is how love evolves.
The beauty of the love you give, like an everlasting flower, blooming into more buds whenever it faints. “Love grows” I find myself repeating more and more this year. My heart has always been a little sheltered from the world, I had ceased a long time ago to let anyone see the depths of it, but lonely is the heart that forgets how to love deeply, and so has for someone who had never shown vulnerability easily, the change as been fruitful, I have seen myself learning to love differently. If anything, it was not about loving less or less passionately, it is to learn to love a little better – a little more selflessly, a little more candidly – to give more flowers knowing that even with the rain grows our gardens. It is by learning to see love in seasons, never quite the same as the last, never quite ending, never forever in winter, or everlasting in summer, that grows love, and a love that grows is a love that lasts.
O, I have seen it, believe me, right before my eyes — love in all its glorious light and all its earth-shattering pain, I have seen it grow in places where it was unthought of, or faint in places where it was thought strong. Truth is, love is no straight line, it requires patience and willingness to be aware of who you are so you can love better who they are too, so you can grow into who you are meant to be. Love is not a matter of what you get in return, it is a commitment to happiness, personal and together, through any circumstance that life throws at you.
So how does one have a steady yet everchanging love ? A love that lasts, a love that grows, how does one create a shelter for the love that is cherished? You know, I am no love guru, but I have loved before. I wonder, where does a love grows so deeply that being loved back does not even cross a mind, where the reciprocity is not needed, not cared for, knowing that you could not love for two nor could you love this person into loving you, but finding peace in the certainty that you could create a safe haven for a love to still grow unconditionally. And although it may not be written in the stars or that you are not ancient lovers in past lives, you still believe to this day that no love was quite as pure as the one you once felt, no matter if it did not work out, no matter how many times you had cried, you could not bring yourself to regret what you had given. To me, the time invested and the energy spent, all of it was just as beautiful as it was when it was more than friendship, but as it evolved into a platonic relation, my heart felt at ease, because I knew, that no matter what would happen, I had built a home for someone to feel safe enough to trust me into their life, and so did they for me.
I realized that people forget, forget the motions of love, because since it is no straight line, it must not be rushed – it can be in slow-mo, slowly enough for you to see them, want them, need them, slowly enough for you to feel at peace with their presence, to know that forever is a long way to go and that you have all the time in the world. No time is a right measure for love to grow, it happens at its own rhythm, it sometimes takes a detour, stops even before starting again. You have to be prepared to show patience, and dedication, to be prepared to make the choice everyday to put the effort into it. Yesterday someone told me ” Soulmates are made”, since then I have been smiling, I think they may be right.
For what it’s worth,
I hope you and I are forever,