Lately, I have been feeling angry for reasons beyond what I am willing to share online, on a much more personal level that goes deep into the intimacy of my day-by-day I felt anger from the depth of my bones. This is not therapy but it brought me peace and in this overall process of leaning into the best version of myself I had to let go of that pent-up I felt. I had to let go of my anger.
To give you a little background check, I have never been good with anger, I am known as someone who never gets angry, truthfully, I am seen as calm as a lake, but deep inside, I am an ocean. And well, this is my hurricane.
My mom used to tell me “you never get angry, keeping things bottled up is not good for you” I did not know how to explain to her back then that my anger should not have to be projected onto others, I always felt like it was mine and that it was unfair to push into someone else because their behaviours made me angry. It was my reaction and my perception of them that made me angry, they were just reacting in ways that they felt but that had nothing to do with me. I knew very early on that I could only ever be in control of myself and that no one else would be responsible for how I interacted and built relationships with others. Generally speaking, it takes quite a lot to make me angry, I’m easy – I forgive and forget faster than Dory. But I never thought that my anger would come from that: because I never get “violently” angry, I do not get taken seriously when I calmly say “I am extremely angry”. It is not because I do not blow up in other people’s faces though that I do not feel the tsunami raging inside of me. I am not made of stone, and like any being of fluidity, I had to consider the fact that not everyone was at this stage of calmness in my life, this stage of peace so that they could respect my calmness in my anger. Or that they could get a grasp of how deeply I felt anger without feeling the need to guilt or shame, or ignore or stonewall or scream or implode, I just sit with it until I feel okay. That makes me alright to continue loving someone without needing an apology or without needing that they “make it up to me”… or at the very least that’s what I thought until this past month I hit a wall. I carried anger in my body and heart for someone I love deeply, and although it did not impeach me to love them, it made me act in ways that felt out of alignment until I imploded. Like a bomb. Boom. Anyone else? Tell me your story in the comments or send me an email at info@b0ld.ca.
Anger is one of those extremely strange emotions that is BIG, a huge emotion, all-consuming but that makes you small. It keeps you boxed, restrained, and limited in the depths of it because it doesn’t allow you to move forward in alignment with your highest self. It’s time to let go of your anger.
Identify the cause of your anger to let it go
Understanding what is causing your anger can help you better understand your emotions and find ways to address the underlying issue. I know oftentimes I am not angry at people for what they are doing but more often than not because I do not feel valued or appreciated. Knowing how to pinpoint the value that is being hurt instead of pointing fingers and taking responsibility for what you do can help you decentralise the anger from the person and more on the action. From there you will be closer to finding solutions.
Practice relaxation techniques
Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, and yoga can help calm your mind and reduce feelings of anger. I mean it is not always the easiest thing to do in the heat of the moment but it is the best thing to do, calm yourself down so you can then think clearly and move on to the next step.
Physical activity to blow off the steam
Exercise can be a great way to release pent-up anger and frustration in a healthy way. It releases happy chemicals in your brain and body and it makes a world of difference in the inner peace you will feel, it will bring out sharper things and smarter decision-making as well as a more relaxed body because it will release tension.
Challenge your anger and negative thoughts in order to fully let them go
Sometimes anger can be fueled by negative thinking patterns. By seeing everything in black and white. By only seeing your sides of things and by thinking of yourself as the victim of the situation. Try to identify and challenge these thoughts, and replace them with more positive, rational ones. Try putting yourself into the other person’s shoes. It doesn’t mean to excuse behaviours but rather to try and understand them.
Communicate assertively
If someone else is the source of your anger, try to communicate with them assertively, without being aggressive, don’t be defensive, and try to remain accountable for your actions. Explain how their actions have affected you, and your perception of them as well as validate the other’s point of view and perception. From there it is much easier to work to find a solution that is satisfactory for both parties. \
I know how hard it can be and how challenging and not everyone will be willing to do the last step with you, and that is okay. At times you must determine, which values you are willing to work on with others and which boundaries are unacceptable to cross. And then act accordingly,
For what it’s worth,
I believe in you
xx AMH
